Thursday, February 2, 2017

January ends, February begins [Wordy]

2017's first month has come and gone like Bugs Bunny at a Wabbit season convention. Ok corny joke, but I think I have some right to be a little lame with the month I've had.

I seemed to have acquired a frick ton of emotional baggage for the new year, and it all came crashing down on me for January. I'd gained too much responsibility within personal aspects of my life. The world around me wanted me to be more grown than I had the current preparedness for. To shed a little more light onto why I've been feeling the way I've been feeling, I think I can let you in on what exactly has been building up. 

Back in June or July, my parents informed me of them splitting up. They'd been together for a little over 30 years, and I'd pictured them as the perfect couple to live up to. There were a couple snags in the relationship, and my mother fell in love with someone else. It hit me hard initially because I knew that one of my parents was in a whole world of emotional hurt, and I never wish ill feelings on any of my family [especially immedaite fam]. I did calm down after my father let me know that he was ok, and was just going to look forward. After the first wave of shock, there were little waves soon after. I am kind of in the middle of spats between the two of them, and it's just a bit of a heavy weight to carry having to be neutral. I can understand from boths sides, so I am happily on both of their sides. I just don't like to  hear some of the more negative things that one can say about the other. Puts me in an uncomfy mindset.

Staying on the topic of family, I have an older brother that may not be known about. Only because most of my after-high-school-life he's been in and out of jail. Well, part of my highschool consisted of a jailed brother as well. Anyways! He'd been out for a little bit, and got scooped back up in December of 2014. They let him out December 2016, and he'd oopsed and gone right back into his old ways. Got picked up a week later, and my father has just now bonded him back out. I am having to play the role of "older sister mommy" now, and I am not a fan of nagging at all. He was on the right path for a day, and is now not keeping up promises that he's made with my father. Throwing me in the middle once again with being the one that my parents think can get in contact with him. I have just as much ease as them if I'm trying to talk to him about priorities, honsetly. I dont want to bring ill thoughts and negative feelings to him, but I also have to be hard on him or he wont listen. Not that he's listening either way, heh. 

Stepping away from "family", work is also giving my emotional stability a run for it's money. I work a retail job, and am supposed to be my department's head. One of the other department heads had a work injury and they had to move her to another dpt, but keep her pay/hours/benefits the same. They put her in my department, and I have ended up with the shittiest end of the stick. My hours have been cut drastically, but with the same amount of workload if not more. They hardly schedule us together, so I can never get help with the heftier loads like I need to. We are also overworked period for the amount of money that we get paid. Management is decent, but could be improved even still. I am actually having to look for a second job. Only adding to what I'm already stressing over. Also, a good 65% of the customers are rude and inconsiderate.

Now onto living space. I pretty much HATE my apartment. I have lived here for 3 years due to it being in walking distance in all of the jobs I've had over here. When I moved in, the front office staff was delightful. A month later, they were all replaced. I was close enough with two of the new staff members, but after a year they've been replaced as well. The new members are....let's just say I wish they were replaced their first day. The apartments are sub-par themselves, but cost an arm and a leg. To my knowledge, not one of the bedrooms has an overhead light or any lighting at all. Unless you're counting the light in the closet. Who ok'd that construction idea? Everytime I've had a mantinance request, they've screwed up something else in apartment or damaged my items. 

Not excited to wake up in this home, not excited to go to work, not excited to come back. 

All of these feelings came down on me like a ton of bricks. Once I'd clocked out for work, I could feel the tears attempting to force their way from my ducts. I dont even think I made it home before they started running dowm my face. 

With the negativity trying to win me over, I'm continuing on in my self love/self growth process and not letting it prevail. I will continue to try to perfect my decluttering and tidying skills, continue my daily tea drinkings, journal and plan for the days ahead, get back into the theraputic, eat right and prepare food ahead of time, and laugh as much as I can.

LRTB: so much blue! owl lunchbox, organizational items, new planner, desktop calendar, beauty things to try. Showing off the planner and tea journal.

I am still greatly looking forward to what the rest of this year has to offer, no matter what the months try to throw at me.

Thank you for Reading
With January's negatives down the drain,
February can only bring positivity!

No comments:

Post a Comment