It seemed as though that every person who had reached the level of me uttering "best friend" with a positive connotation to their name in the same sentence, I soon get screwed over or don't receive the same level of care I give from that very same person. It leaves me very uncomfortable allowing new humans into my personal circle. I find myself calling these people acquaintances/close acquaintances instead of using the term friends. Even if I do end up using the word friends, I usually am adding air quotes to the word so that all know it's not meant to be the real meaning of friends.
This is nowhere near a fun feeling, but the more I age and grow the easier it seems to let this feeling slide off of me. It gives me time to relearn myself, and what my real needs/wants are.
On a more positive note, I did hang out with a human I am highly fond of. I'd like to call him my friend, but it's easier for me to just express how much I care for this human. Platonically of course, but I still have intense love for this being and the things he represents. Anyways, enough praising him. A friend of mine from college was visiting for the weekend, and actually hit me up on my off day to see if I was free. I saw his posting on social media that he was visiting, and saw others commenting on his post of wanting to hang out. Me feeling like the oddball I am, I merely liked his status and kept it moving. Do I have to mention I was surprised to be contacted? Well, I was lol and quite excited to be invited out to do something.
I did get myself a little under the influence before we decided on a meet time, and was hoping I would come down before I had to head over to meet him...but of course I didn't, and my anxieties were on high. I did inform him before that I was under the influence, so he was prepared. Usually, I overthink what to talk about and how to act/react when hanging out with other humans. This time was very chill. We got him some food, then I showed him a couple of my favorite stores in the mall [oh, we were meeting at the mall by the way lol]. We'd walked about the whole mall, in and out of different stores. Very calm atmosphere of shopping and doing our own thing, but still together. I believe he could feel when I was uncomfy in a store due to people, and was ready to let me know we could go if I wanted to. It was nice to have a friend-like being paying attention to what my needs were, and not just me being the one doing so.
We ended up doing a lot of walking, and even ended up walking to the bookstore. It's the breath of fresh air that I look for in the people I want in my "inner circle" you know? Though I can't get it from everywhere, it's nice to know that it isn't completely a lost cause.
|My face though.|
IT Pennywise Funko Pop Figure
Jimi Hendrix Funko Pop Figure [for my fella]
Disney Mxyz blind box keychain
Madoka Magica Madoka figure
Not only was the day with a friend delightful, but pretty much all the goodies I'd found I'd also gotten a lovely deal on. The pops were on sale for getting more than one, and I also received a voucher to use for next month. My lovely Madoka find was sitting on the clearance table, calling out to me. I was surprised she was still there, and no one had already snatched her up before me. I almost have the urge to rewatch the anime, but I think I'm not due for a hard cry just yet lol.
All in all, even if your life is seemingly overflowing with negativity there is gobs of positivity waiting for you somewhere. Take the bad as decently as you can, then grow and get on from it. Hopefully typing it out will help it stick 😛